imagine living your whole life for the worst thing you ever did.

part one: milfhunter
------------------

Like clockwork I'm old.

1985, John is born.

22 years later I am the oldest man in the entire world.

I've been so attracted to adult behaviour in girls lately that I must be an adult.

Can't find a job? Oh tell me all about it.
Stressed about your full time job? I've got a boner.
You miss college? Let's get married.
You're nervous about your wedding? Dear God lets run away from all this...

These grown up problems get me going so much because I'm at this bizzare stage where I might be the only medicine left for these people. I'm a grown up. Still living like an eighteen year old. I'm gonna make you young forever.

The people I'm closest to are my age, and in turn, a lot of them have graduated and moved on. And their situations are terrifying to a college student. But somehow, I'm not phased. I'm not scared. For some reason, I don't think it's gonna be me. That dude who slows down and lives for happy hour and is in bed by ten cause of work...

You see it, around this age, around this time, at this exact fifth year in college. That nervous confusion of the 22-24 year old college student. People feel old, and they're over the college scene. They just wanna get out. Move on, move up.

I do feel old, but I'm so not over it. I've seen enough wealthy and miserable graduates to know that it's not for me *quite yet*. I'm already thinking my career is going to have to be fun...

that is HUGE.

because as a business major, you usually realize in your senior year that your career will be lucrative but not fun.

I think mine might be fun. I might force it. It's gonna be great.

I've never felt so positive about the future. I think about it so rarely- I exist two weeks at a time. But I look forward and I feel good.

I see all these kids around me doing the SDSU dance, and it's funny to see how the patterns are so consistent. Freshman year people tend to act a certain way. Sophomore too. Junior too. Etc.

It's like my hero complex has grown up with me and graduated college before I did, because I just wanna save these 'grown up' girls who've accepted this monotony... the total value change.

I saw Johnny Rotten on Jimmy Kimmel and he's 50 years old and he's STILL pissed off. Ha!

I'm completely rambling. I don't feast on other people's misery, I just wanna help. For realsies.

------------------

part two: something's wrong syndrome
------------------
Everyone loves to be a victim. You can see it in people as young as toddlers. Here's a classic example:

Kid is toddling around the living room and bonks his head on a table corner. Ouch! He pops back up and keeps toddling around, but mom runs in from across the hall and coddles the shit out of him. "OHMYGOD AREYOUOKAY? OHMYBABY!"

This attention... shit, read Choke. Anyways, this attention not only reinforces the behaviour, but the "what's wrong?" aspect of it suggests that SOMETHING IS WRONG!

So the kid cries, cause she's wondering if he's okay so he must not be.

"What's wrong?" is the most fucked up thing you can ask someone.

Are you alright? Well fuck you, I'm not now.

And once you make yourself the victim, there's no backing out. You're miserable and you can't just turn it off. It's hard to change character on a dime. All cause some drunken bitch couldn't perceive the difference between distracted and depressed.

Here's how you fix it. Just claim drunkenness. Just do it. You can get away with anything if you're drunk, don't make yourself a victim or a villain and just say, "Oh I'm fine, I'm just shitfaced."

That's all there is to it. Heed that one, save yourself a lot of awkwardness. Trust me.