The ultimate fate of his most illustrious Sir John of unshakable determination.

Here's the scene.

It's dark and it's raining in a city with a lot of multi-storied buildings; highrise apartment complexes and such. The sort of buildings with names like Madonna's. "I live in the Wittenborne." Oh I'm on the 17th floor of the Mitchell right across the way.

They're both crouched on the floor of the balcony facing outwards. She's half-asleep (I dont know why yet) and he's behind her with his arms draped over her shoulders crossing at the wrists.

He is simultaneously surprised, relieved, and overjoyed. He is terrified that it's all a dream. He is crying and laughing, literally at the same time.

"My Blue Heaven" BLASTS over the speakers. It's all too familiar, it happens all the time.

Pan across the city.

Two sides twist and then collide. Sometimes it just feels better to give in.

Cut to every scene of destruction that has resulted in this anomaly. Like the end of the Godfather. Everything falling into place.

Dull heat rises from the sheets. Double standardized suspicion is remedied, oh my blue heaven.

Cut back to them, zoom in on her, eyes shut. Everything's coated in rain.

A tiny voice starts to sing, 'you are safe, child. You are safe.'

Roll aftermaths of fated scenes. Every broken heart smashed open for the ridiculously unlikely ending being shown. Everything he engineered, and most powerfully, all the things he didn't. Fate tossed him one.

Cut to him.

It's you I can't deny.

Zoom in on his face. Eyes. It's exactly how you'd expect someone to look if they had just survived a trip through a black hole. Teary eyed joyous insanity. "I can't believe this worked" is what his face says, verbatim.

It's you I can't deny.

His grip on her tightens now. Spotlight them. Finally his.

Fade to black.
------

"And then what" is completely overrated. We saved the world! And then what? Go back to normal? Who cares. It's alright if the "then what" answer isn't much- getting there is everything. If you have done something so remarkable that it prompts an "And then what?" then you've already won.

That's how I know. That's how I know what matters and that's why I can use a term like victory in situations like these.


I'm not crazy, honest, but they're gonna be talking about us forever.

And even if they don't, they should.

I've traded brick for straw.

No huff and puff will dismantle us.


Do you exist outside of the mirror? I do not. People call me out constantly for catching myself in a mirror, or sunglasses, or a wading pool or your deep dark beautiful eyes.

I look in the mirror to remind myself that I exist.


Even conversationally, I have no idea at all what I look like. I'm completely unaware of myself unless I can see evidence that I'm real.

Times like this I wonder if I'm not dreaming all of you-- but rather, am I part of someone else's dream?

I can't even see my own nose without closing one eye.

It's this lack of existence that makes interaction so damned meaningful. If I can't see myself, let me see myself in you. Our conversation is evidence that we both exist for real, cause I'm not clever enough to come up with your lines myself.

How powerful could you be if you paid attention to the image you gave off in every conversation? Is that dishonest? Or is it more efficient?

What if you postured yourself perfectly to convey an idea- so well positioned physically, that you basically didn't have to say anything at all?

What if you're already doing this subconsciously?
---

sometimes, the worst thing in the world is admitting someone is right. It is rare and dishonest to easily admit that you're wrong, if you're at all invested in the subject.

The reason this is so disarming is because whenever you make an important decision, you pass it through several logical filters in your head, that you've developed over the years to make the right decision. Abortions, gunshots, moving days and 'goodbye forevers' shouldn't ever be impulse decisions.

When you're dead wrong about 'goodbye forever' it's embarrassing as hell because your whole fucking brain was wrong. Every checkpoint was just leading you in the wrong direction. No one ever elects to do the wrong thing by choice, we all think we're doing what's best for us.

The hardest thing in the world is to admit that every single step you've taken has been dead-ass-wrong. You're covered in lava and you broke your mother's back. Watch your step next time.

Harder still is the opposite of goodbye forever. Whatever that is. Getting someone's character completely wrong makes you feel like a real idiot. To the point where you might just fake it to keep from having to change your outlook.
---

Push ups keep me focused. With the heat, I shower a few times a day. I don't get in the shower without first doing a ton of push ups. Around 500 a day or so. Some with the Perfect Push Up, some without. They make me feel better about what I'm eating, and the huge chiseled pectorals don't hurt either.
---

Everyone's got these threads coming off them, and they're all connected to me. I don't cut any threads. Everyone I've ever encountered, I remember. Someone I sat next to in Comm 103 four years ago is still more special to me than some stranger.

These threads are also why I spend so much time digging around the cache of my life. Whether I'm ignoring your call or checking in after eight years, I've always been looking backwards while falling forwards. Maybe that's why my future calendar only ever goes as far as two weeks from now.

---

I wonder how much of drinking is the alcohol clouding the senses, or the inherently accepted fact that you can get away with more while you're drinking? That is to say, the drunken outbursts we experience-- I bet they are more EMOTIONAL than PHYSIOLOGICAL. Feel me?

Cause when I'm physiologically drunk, I'm pretty gone. I definitely exist; it's everyone else whose existence becomes questionable. But when I'm buzzed (you too) that's the time where I'm just doing all the shit I know I can get away with because of this mask. Probably.
---

I've been looking for purpose and in the process have spent a lot of time on myself, which has been rewarding. The more content I am with me, the more disappointed I am in all of you. Not really. That's harsh. What I mean is,

the more time I spend on myself, the less I worry about existing to other people... so when I *am* focused on you and yours, I'm a little rusty. A bit salty. Me me me.
---








Please remember that your life isn't the Hills or any other location-based pseudoreality show on MTV. The camera might sympathize with you but your real life friends need more than that. Even if it would make good television, it's not. My life could be the greatest movie of all time. It's volatile, but you don't have to touch and go.

You've just gotta live it and let it write itself.

we fell stumbling into the future part 1: reflections- Dr. Solis dissects the perfect girl.

not literally.

Back when Mark Wahlberg was "Marky Mark", people used to send eachother funny emails. Or heartwearming emails. Anything that is now the content of a myspace bulletin used to be a funny email. Your parents (depending on their age) or your grandparents probably take great joy in forwarding these bad boys around.

They're almost always deleted as quickly as they're opened, but I kept this one for years. Since maybe freshman year of highschool. That's eight years ago. Apparently it struck a chord with me. It's in a file called "does she do this.doc" as if I'd someday consult it before I married my wife.

So here's my first look into the past: The things your love is supposed to do for you. I'll pick it apart in a bit.

She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you.
She compliments you frequently.
She touches you.
Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.
She is curious to know everything about you.
She endeavors to discover what's important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way.

She gives you small gifts.
She calls you and asks you out.
She makes a big deal about your birthday.
She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month.
She builds up your ego.
She's supportive.
She's consistently loving and affectionate.
When you're sick, she is your dedicated nurse.
She often turns into a playful little girl when she's around you.
She respects your opinion.
She asks you for advice.
She's consistent and dependable.
She keeps her word.
She's never late.
She's fiercely loyal.
She backs you up when the chips are down.
She doesn't put you down in public or nag.
She doesn't compare you to other guys.
She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are.
Her knees buckle when she kisses you.
She thinks it's great that you go out with your buddies once a week.
She doesn't try to control you as much as other women do.
When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions.
Every girl in town thinks you're ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle.
When you say, "Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o'clock." She says, "I'll be ready."

This will be easier to comment on if I post it again and slip my comments in. Hope you like to read.

She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you.

I can see why I saved this. Sitting next to someone actually mattered when I was ...14? I guess it still matters now. I'm gonna show up late to all my classes on purpose, and scout things. Not because I am a hopeless young-at-heart romantic, but because I am a creepy pervert. But I can fake it.

She compliments you frequently.
She touches you.

Here's where guys and girls are different. I swear to god, you can compliment me as much as you like I and I will never reject you for it. A guy tells a girl that she is pretty, and she suddenly realizes she can do way better than him. A girl tells a guy he's cute and he just feels like a stud. Next time you see me, whoever you are, feel free to tell me how pretty I am if you are so inclined. I won't hold it against you. Unless "it" is my body, in which case yes, I will press it against you.

Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.

This one's not even possible unless you're dating a cartoon girl or a stuntwoman. Sparkling eyes are generally indicators of cataracts and glaucoma.

She is curious to know everything about you.
She endeavors to discover what's important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way.

This one's actually true. They're the same thing. Why does it not work in reverse? TANGENT:

Sometimes I feel like the less I know about a girl, the more attractive she is. The negative thought behind that is that the more I get to know anyone, the more their negative features stand out and then I'm less attracted to them. This isn't necessarily true, but it is a thought.

And with the previous theme, even if I DID wanna know something about a girl I liked, it's not like I would ask her all the time, because then she might get a big head. And that big head would turn into the realization that she can do better than me. Can't have that.

END TANGENT

She gives you small gifts.
She calls you and asks you out.

HA HA HA. This will never happen. Sorry.

She makes a big deal about your birthday.

This is EVERY girl. Girls LOVE birthdays.

She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month.

Her ass tossed in thousand island dressing? Har har har.

She builds up your ego.
She's supportive.

These are nice.

She's consistently loving and affectionate.

This would get boring. Even if this is the perfect woman, if I'm not working for it a little I don't like it. I hate it when things fall into my lap. Consistently affectionate is nice, but what am I doing?

When you're sick, she is your dedicated nurse.

I'd rather she didn't catch whatever I had, I guess. Wait is this describing the perfect woman or your mom? Yuck. Girls, I don't get sick, thankfully. Im basically indestructible.

She often turns into a playful little girl when she's around you.

This is nice. I like to get stupid. Doo Doo Dumb.

She respects your opinion.
She asks you for advice.
She's consistent and dependable.
She keeps her word.
She's never late.

Dude, these are important traits for EVERYONE. Men and women, girls and girlfriends, kids and adults. People just want to be acknowledged, and consistency, dependability and honesty are huge.

She's fiercely loyal.

Oh I love this. Give me a loyal girl and I will give you a dollar. Or much more than that. How much do you want for your loyal girl?

She backs you up when the chips are down.

Same thing. If I'm going down swinging, I want you to also. Unless it's literally a fight, in which case, don't fight, just call an ambulance. Thanks

She doesn't put you down in public or nag.
She doesn't compare you to other guys.

Don't ever do this. I will resent you forever.

She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are.

This is a nice thought. But any girl who made me more of an egomaniac than I already am has done the world a disservice.

Her knees buckle when she kisses you.

Oh it's usually me.

She thinks it's great that you go out with your buddies once a week.
She doesn't try to control you as much as other women do.

Har har! Yeah, right.

When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions.
Every girl in town thinks you're ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle.

These are all silly. The dumb questions make me feel smart. Im just glad she's watching it at all. I know I look nothing like Brad Pitt. Everyone knows I look like Cuba Gooding Jr.

When you say, "Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o'clock." She says, "I'll be ready."

This one I really like. Robbing a bank is the most romantic thing you can do. Rather, running away together is the best thing you can do. I'm never getting over that notion.

so to recap....

Wow this hasn't been significant at all.


Fail.


Bail.