we fell stumbling into the future part 1: reflections- Dr. Solis dissects the perfect girl.

not literally.

Back when Mark Wahlberg was "Marky Mark", people used to send eachother funny emails. Or heartwearming emails. Anything that is now the content of a myspace bulletin used to be a funny email. Your parents (depending on their age) or your grandparents probably take great joy in forwarding these bad boys around.

They're almost always deleted as quickly as they're opened, but I kept this one for years. Since maybe freshman year of highschool. That's eight years ago. Apparently it struck a chord with me. It's in a file called "does she do this.doc" as if I'd someday consult it before I married my wife.

So here's my first look into the past: The things your love is supposed to do for you. I'll pick it apart in a bit.

She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you.
She compliments you frequently.
She touches you.
Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.
She is curious to know everything about you.
She endeavors to discover what's important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way.

She gives you small gifts.
She calls you and asks you out.
She makes a big deal about your birthday.
She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month.
She builds up your ego.
She's supportive.
She's consistently loving and affectionate.
When you're sick, she is your dedicated nurse.
She often turns into a playful little girl when she's around you.
She respects your opinion.
She asks you for advice.
She's consistent and dependable.
She keeps her word.
She's never late.
She's fiercely loyal.
She backs you up when the chips are down.
She doesn't put you down in public or nag.
She doesn't compare you to other guys.
She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are.
Her knees buckle when she kisses you.
She thinks it's great that you go out with your buddies once a week.
She doesn't try to control you as much as other women do.
When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions.
Every girl in town thinks you're ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle.
When you say, "Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o'clock." She says, "I'll be ready."

This will be easier to comment on if I post it again and slip my comments in. Hope you like to read.

She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you.

I can see why I saved this. Sitting next to someone actually mattered when I was ...14? I guess it still matters now. I'm gonna show up late to all my classes on purpose, and scout things. Not because I am a hopeless young-at-heart romantic, but because I am a creepy pervert. But I can fake it.

She compliments you frequently.
She touches you.

Here's where guys and girls are different. I swear to god, you can compliment me as much as you like I and I will never reject you for it. A guy tells a girl that she is pretty, and she suddenly realizes she can do way better than him. A girl tells a guy he's cute and he just feels like a stud. Next time you see me, whoever you are, feel free to tell me how pretty I am if you are so inclined. I won't hold it against you. Unless "it" is my body, in which case yes, I will press it against you.

Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.

This one's not even possible unless you're dating a cartoon girl or a stuntwoman. Sparkling eyes are generally indicators of cataracts and glaucoma.

She is curious to know everything about you.
She endeavors to discover what's important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way.

This one's actually true. They're the same thing. Why does it not work in reverse? TANGENT:

Sometimes I feel like the less I know about a girl, the more attractive she is. The negative thought behind that is that the more I get to know anyone, the more their negative features stand out and then I'm less attracted to them. This isn't necessarily true, but it is a thought.

And with the previous theme, even if I DID wanna know something about a girl I liked, it's not like I would ask her all the time, because then she might get a big head. And that big head would turn into the realization that she can do better than me. Can't have that.

END TANGENT

She gives you small gifts.
She calls you and asks you out.

HA HA HA. This will never happen. Sorry.

She makes a big deal about your birthday.

This is EVERY girl. Girls LOVE birthdays.

She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month.

Her ass tossed in thousand island dressing? Har har har.

She builds up your ego.
She's supportive.

These are nice.

She's consistently loving and affectionate.

This would get boring. Even if this is the perfect woman, if I'm not working for it a little I don't like it. I hate it when things fall into my lap. Consistently affectionate is nice, but what am I doing?

When you're sick, she is your dedicated nurse.

I'd rather she didn't catch whatever I had, I guess. Wait is this describing the perfect woman or your mom? Yuck. Girls, I don't get sick, thankfully. Im basically indestructible.

She often turns into a playful little girl when she's around you.

This is nice. I like to get stupid. Doo Doo Dumb.

She respects your opinion.
She asks you for advice.
She's consistent and dependable.
She keeps her word.
She's never late.

Dude, these are important traits for EVERYONE. Men and women, girls and girlfriends, kids and adults. People just want to be acknowledged, and consistency, dependability and honesty are huge.

She's fiercely loyal.

Oh I love this. Give me a loyal girl and I will give you a dollar. Or much more than that. How much do you want for your loyal girl?

She backs you up when the chips are down.

Same thing. If I'm going down swinging, I want you to also. Unless it's literally a fight, in which case, don't fight, just call an ambulance. Thanks

She doesn't put you down in public or nag.
She doesn't compare you to other guys.

Don't ever do this. I will resent you forever.

She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are.

This is a nice thought. But any girl who made me more of an egomaniac than I already am has done the world a disservice.

Her knees buckle when she kisses you.

Oh it's usually me.

She thinks it's great that you go out with your buddies once a week.
She doesn't try to control you as much as other women do.

Har har! Yeah, right.

When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions.
Every girl in town thinks you're ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle.

These are all silly. The dumb questions make me feel smart. Im just glad she's watching it at all. I know I look nothing like Brad Pitt. Everyone knows I look like Cuba Gooding Jr.

When you say, "Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o'clock." She says, "I'll be ready."

This one I really like. Robbing a bank is the most romantic thing you can do. Rather, running away together is the best thing you can do. I'm never getting over that notion.

so to recap....

Wow this hasn't been significant at all.


Fail.


Bail.