the new hardness: part one of three: John the killa

sometimes you get the flash just right.




In the last week or so, I've been overcome with this sense of carelessness. Maybe care-free is the better word, but I'm hardly pulling any punches.

down, downforward, forward, fierce.

it's not a short fuse. A short temper. Short man syndrome. It's not any of those, but I've been pretty damned straightforward lately.

It's no coincidence, I'm sure, that I've been living at home for a week.

Without any responsibility, I've sort of regressed. I'm a badass 14 year old kid and I'm growing pubes and my voice is changing. What a tough guy.


for reals though, it's like I don't care what people think anymore. Not as much. This isn't a teenage rebellion thing. I'm not faking it, I'm just kind of over it.

living at home is different now. I've been living on my own for a very long time. I was worried about going back, but things are, as I said before, different.

And it's not home that changed, it's me. I'm not stressed anymore. You pay rent and handle roommates and scrounge for food long enough and mom and dad's house seems pretty cool. I'm not worried about what people will think of me when I tell them I live at home. I know I'm eating well. I know I'm not paying any rent. My roommates aren't telling me to do any dishes. And I'm not doing any, because other people are doing them. And cleaning the house. And cooking me dinner.

Girls? Please. Like I was having so many girls over last semester anyway. They're right; guy's rooms do smell. Now mine doesn't, cause my mom has good smelling things all over the house and it's well ventilated.



It's working for me, and it's sort of spilled over into my day-to-day. I feel lighter. I feel like a jerk. Like I'm getting away with things.





There's nothing sadder than a nice guy telling himself he's not one. I don't feel that way though. Kindness isn't weakness, etc etc. Right now, though, I feel like nails.




If you never tell a lie, you don't have to remember anything. Ever. You can make mistakes and fix them later, but as long as you never get caught in a lie, you'll be credible forever.



I wasn't a serial liar before, but I feel like a real straight shooter right now.




This is a good time to talk to me. You'll get something abrupt and abrasive and genuine and we'll eat snacks and marvel at what it's like to tell the truth.














This thing I'm building... man, I've got no idea.