John goes to Las Vegas; cries blood.

PART ONE



I've only got so much time before I don't want to write anything at all. This is precious. Let's go.







Friday. Wake up way too early and it's me and the family in a GMC Yukon Denali headed to Las Vegas. The maiden voyage, again. 21 in vegas. But I'm with my family. Family reunion in Las Vegas. "Oxymoron" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. I don't think about it at the time, but the words family and Vegas don't belong in the same sentence.




Family and Las Vegas don't even belong on the same planet.




It's just me and my family. This is a reunion and I'm not slinking into a club alone. So this is going to be a drinking and gambling trip. I've got money in the bank, money on my credit card, but none in my wallet. We're all pissed off. I've been living at home for one week now and things have been going smooth. I can't hide in a car, though, even one as big as a Yukon. Conversation turns frustrating. I claw at the window but the AC is on so I give up and start to read Choke.





We drive and my dad answers his phone. My uncle tells him that he's already at the hotel. And four people were just shot. Beginner's luck doesn't hold up too well against a rifle and a psychopath. I hope that the situation is over by the time we get there.











I'm reading Choke and my mom is talking to me. I can't tell if it's the book or my mom or both but I'm getting pretty pissed. The main character's life is basically ruined by his mom. That's not a spoiler, it's on the back cover. Maybe the book was behind it, but know that I was pissed. Regardless, I keep it mostly bottled up and I plea for her to SHUT UP. I'm trying to read. Please just stop talking.










Then it explodes-- A blood vessel in my left eye explodes and I am sure that this weekend is going to be awesome.








I won't bring it up again, but Choke is outstanding. A very fast read for 300 pages- hard to put down. My rage continues until we check into our hotel. The blood has since been mopped up and no one mentions anything about a shooter. I see it on the news later.




We head up to the 11th floor to find our room. 1123 opens properly, because our magnetic key cards are programmed to open Room 1123.




I didn't know what to expect in this suite. Two beds. A window, for sure. A couch if I'm lucky, and a large CRT television. Some doofy small remote and maybe... black sheets? White sheets? Who knows.













What I did NOT expect was a naked fat white man. And his exceedingly fat black hooker.













And like the proverbial deer in headlights, I couldn't shut the door. He got up and sprung for me, and I pulled it shut as fast as I could. The door didn't open again.



We got a bigger room comped, which was nice. My mom wanted to sue the hotel. She didn't even see anything, but this is America and etc. I tell her to shut up. I need to chill out on my mom, but Vegas is hot, and I'm with my family, and I'm fairly well pissed off.



We tour the place a bit, and I break off to gamble. I don't have any cash on me, and my dad gives me some money to play with. I turn $100 into $250 very quickly. I call him and he congratulates me. I pocket the profits and hit another table. I'm playing roulette exclusively. I turn $20 into $160 more and I call my dad again. From gambling alone, I'm up over $200. If you count my dad's money as a gift, I'm up over $300.















I take a break and treat my brother to some arcade games. This picture is unposed. Posed he looks normal. The rest of the time, this is what he looks like. He makes ugly faces and ugly noises and pretty much does his best to annoy me. He never sees the punches coming, because I am fucking lightning.





Regardless, he appreceates the gesture and I stick $200 in the hotel safe so I cannot lose it.





I gamble more later and it hits me.





See the trip to Chowchilla for reference, but after Rosarito I will never be the same. The moment I'm not in San Diego... the moment I'm in a new location, all I wanna do is fuck everything in sight. The hotel is full of cougars. Smoke-damaged shells of women who were gorgeous 10 years ago. Gravity-ravaged avatars of the girls most men would have killed themselves over 20 years ago.




There are college girls around too, but I have no wingman and they travel in herds.



Without a second dude, I'm just a creepy 14 year old drunk guy.



I love cougars but I have no idea how to talk to them. I feel like anything I could possibly reference will be new and scary to them. iPhone? Some of these chicks probably are still trying to figure out cordless phones. So I'm limited to light banter and the shit they feed me. Everyone tells me I look so young. Cougars love that.




What the fuck am I thinking though? In my hotel room right now, is my brother and my mom. It's like I'm living at home, except I'm on the road. And I'm not gonna get to bone any of these milfs anyways- they're out here with their dudes, just talking to me to make some old bald white man jealous.



A dude covered in tattoos sits down next to me and asks if he can take the roulette seat next to his girlfriend. I cash out.



Wandering around, I notice that old dudes are full of advice. They are either gay or lonely, but they are happy to be talking to someone and seem knowledgable. One dude wanted to buy me a beer, and I declined. I said I wanted to stay focused, but in reality, I just wanted to stay not man-raped.



Thank god I stashed those two bills. With my change I win $500 more or so, and I lose it all. At the peak of my insanity, I placed a $200 bet on black.





There's a scene... Wesley Snipes looks right into the camera and says, "Always bet on black."





Never bet on black. I lost the bet and everything else. I was down to nothing but the $200 in my hotel room. Thank god I stashed those two bills. Still up.

I got back up to the hotel room and realized how quickly I spent $500. I felt like shit. If it had been cash in my hands, I would never have spent it. But a bright little coin that says 100 on it is easy to throw down. My mom and dad tell me its fine. It's vegas and that's what happens. And I'm still up $200.







I think to myself, "The next couple dates I go on are comped by Las Vegas." That's nice.





I go to bed. The reunion is the next day.